If It's Broke - Fix It!

So during my random internet trolling I came across this picture including the quote:

Now I have no idea if this is a true story, or not, but the sentiment is true!

I wouldn't pretend to know everyone's situation. That would be presumptuous. But I think in this day and age we are quick to throw away something that breaks. Car breaks down, instead of fixing it, we trade it in on a new one. If a household appliance breaks we just toss it out, buy a new one. My grandparents have been married 50+ years. They have had their toaster that they received as a wedding gift for the same amount of time. It has broken, but my grandfather just keeps fixing it. If they feel that way towards a toaster, think how much more they feel that way towards their marriage. So what happened? When did it change? 

There was a time in my marriage where EVERYTHING was wrong. We only had one child at the time, and we both had stable jobs, so it would have been easy for both of us to walk away and chalk it up to experience. 

But we didn't, and I am so thankful because our marriage went from ok, to horrible, to awesome. 

My first couple of months of marriage were blissful. Newly married with a new baby, our own little apartment, and good jobs on the horizon, everything was looking great. But towards the end of the first year, the newly wed haze had worn off. Life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies like I thought it was going to be. We stopped talking to one another. We stopped being together intimately. He played video games and I went out. We were heading towards disaster at a quick clip. Then things came to a head. I had done things to hurt him and he had done some not so nice things to me as well. I left for a couple days to stay with family, not really telling them what was going on. We had a choice to make. Walk away, and let it go, or suck it up, deal with our problems head on, and keep our vows. We sucked it up and dealt with it. Why? Because as my husband said, "Even if we don't like each other very well right now, we used to. And I am a man of word. I promised you and I promised God."

Yes, we could have walked away. Eventually we would have met other people. Maybe that would have worked out, maybe it wouldn't have. But we stayed together. We put each other first, even though it was difficult at first. After awhile it became easy. Before we got married (well even before we dated) we were best friends. And now six years in, we are best friends again, and more in love than we ever were when got married. 

I'm not a counselor or therapist, but I do know that marriages are worth saving. If you find yourself in a situation where you are no longer happy, you should seek the counsel of your pastor or a licensed professional. If you and your husband are looking for a way to reconnect, I suggest "The Love Dare". Even if you aren't a Christian, the principles apply. 

If you have a great marriage, share what works! Different things work for different people, and sharing what works for you and yours might help others!

How Saying No Hurts You

So this evening, I am having a hard time thinking of a topic. I started to think back to things I have done wrong in my marriage that I have learned from, because the one of the points of this blog is to share my experiences in the hopes they would help someone else.

So today I am going to talk about using sex as a weapon.

Early in my marriage when my husband didn't do exactly what I wanted, I would withhold sex. At first it worked! I was getting my way. But all the while resentment was growing, and eventually came to a head in an ugly week long fight.

We worked it out, but let's talk about the issues here. On the outside this should be a good arrangement right? Everyone gets what they want. Let's talk about why that's not true.

First of all, using sex as a weapon does not reflect the Biblical idea of marriage. As we discussed before regarding Hebrews 13:4, the marriage bed to be honorable. Bartering for sexual encounters is not honorable. Matter of fact....what does it sound like? Also the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that we are to satisfy one another. So withholding sex outside of a health condition is not Biblical either.

Second of all, think of what you are telling your spouse with your actions. "I don't desire you. I only become intimate with you to get what I want." If your husband said that to you, how would you feel? Your self-esteem would be affected. You would be hurt. Even if you are not meaning to hurt your husband on an emotional level, you are. And just like you would, he will start to withdraw. Then the emotional closeness that women need, you will no longer have access to.

Now usually these blogs are directed to women, because I am a woman and I couldn't pretend to fully understand men's mindset. However, this next one is directed at men. If it has been "awhile" (I put that in quotes because I think we all know that means a different time frame to different people.) since you have been with your wife, it is not okay to start being a jerk to her. Because just as I mentioned above that if men do not receive the sexual attention they need they will withdraw, if women do not receive the emotional attention they need they will abstain from sex.

At the end of the day there is this. Men want/need sex. Yes, many women enjoy it, however it doesn't drive us in our daily lives like it does men. That is just how the difference in how we are wired. God is awesome in that way. Men are built to want to have sex and procreate. If women were wired the same, we would REALLY have a population situation, and most likely no one would ever get anything accomplished!

Women need emotional attention. Again, yes, men do too, but it doesn't drive them the way it drives women. If we both attempt to punish one another by withholding, we will kill our relationship. If you are in a stalemate with your spouse (husband isn't giving emotional attention, wife isn't giving sexual attention) I encourage you to be the one that breaks the cycle. Initiate an intimate evening with your husband. Do it simply because you love him, and you want him to know. The side effect is, if you do this on a regular basis, he will come around to giving you what you need too. And the same is true for a husband. Write her a love note. Buy her flowers. Dance with her in the kitchen. You might be pleasantly surprised about what comes your way. But give without expecting, and let yourself be surprised!

Stress and Marriage

Before all of you say, "my marriage is my stress!" that is not what we are focusing on this evening. We are focusing the affect stress has on marriages.

I am going to use my life as an example of what I am talking about. I have three kids, a full time job, a very small role at my church, and now this fun second job. My husband and I get by but we are in no means wealthy and sometimes money is an issue. Balancing work and family, being successful at work, and properly managing a home so nothing gets forgotten can be both overwhelming and very stressful. Most of the at the end of the day when everything is done (and by the end of the day we are talking 10 or 11 at night), I just want to zone out and watch a little TV until I pass out.

But where does that leave my husband, and by extension, my marriage? I've only been married six years, but one thing I learned early on was the importance of purposefully spending time and energy on my marriage. You can either stay in love on purpose, fall out of love accidentally. Let's be honest, no one goes into a marriage assuming things are going to fail. But there is a reason movies stop at the wedding (or even sometimes at the first kiss!). Because relationships take work! In movies, they show people running around trying to land their "mate" but they never show people trying to keep their mate! Now don't misunderstand me, I am not saying you have to try an earn your partner's love. What I am saying is "date your mate".

So back to stress. If I am stressed out and not getting enough sleep and not taking good care of myself, I am not worried about my husband's needs, I am only thinking of my own!

So I'm going to give you a couple tips. Now I'm sure you've read a lot of things about stress relievers and such. I'm going to try to focus more on managing stress, because, let's be honest, stress is happening.

Now I am a crazy organizer so this first one might not be for everyone, but buy a planner. I know your phone can store all your appointments and even remind you, but you can sit down and look openly at a week or month at a time easily. If you do want to opt for a electronic version I would suggest Microsoft Outlook (I think they do it best) or Google Calenders (this works great if all the members of your family have Google mail because you can integrated everyone's calendar). Plan ahead. I have nights designated for working on and building Christian Marriage Gone Wild, some nights to work on church stuff, some to do family business, and some just for my husband. I know some people say planning is lame, but you don't have to plan what you are going to DO, just be purposeful in setting aside time just for your spouse.

Don't take on more than you can handle. I am the WORST example of this. I say yes about three or four times more than I should, and to prove my point, it has caused problems for us. Be realistic about what you can and can't do. One things I have learned from saying yes, there is no reward for making yourself crazy doing all the things other people want you to do. In addition, no one likes a martyr. If you don't have time to be on the PTO, don't do it! If you don't have time to head up the committee, say no! Most stress we bring on ourselves, trying to do things we don't have time to do.

Everyone needs me time. Basically psychology tells us that if own needs aren't met we are unable to help others meet theirs. So back up to your calendar and schedule yourself some me time. Whether it's bringing your lunch and watching your favorite shows on Netflix in your office for an hour of alone time, or scheduling a girls night with your friends, or simply taking the time to go to bed early to get the much needed sleep, make it happen! Then you will be ready to spend some quality time showing your spouse some love.

Women, it's important to note here that men and women view the sex to stress relationship differently. While we view stress as a deterrent, they view it as a reason! While sex can be a stress reliever for both genders, this is primary for men. Keep that in mind on an evening where you see your husband is particularly stressed., and then maybe next time he will keep in mind how much a good back rub can help you with your stress level.

My Long Awaited (I hope!) Return!

Well hello! I promised a new blog and here it is. Now before we go on my blog is meant for people over 18 years of age, and at times includes subject matter that is for adults only.

Okay all the formal stuff aside, today's blog we are going to get into something that might be a little uncomfortable for some people to talk about, but luckily this is a blog, and I'm only asking you to read about it.

Bedroom accessories, bedroom aides or sex toys - whatever you want to call them - are today's topic. Should we or shouldn't we? Now for the sake of this article, we are going to use the term bedroom aide, because accessories sounds like a belt and sex toys is just too lewd for my classy taste.

Now to the important part. The should we or shouldn't we part. Frankly, the Bible doesn't say anything about bedroom aides. Not because they didn't exist. But if you look at the Bible, it mostly tells us what not to do. I think we have to use what the Bible does say as a strainer to get to the bottom of it all.

Number 1, both parties have to be on board. The Bible tells us that in marriage we should honor one another. If one partner is forcing or coercing the other partner to do something they aren't comfortable with, that is not honoring one another. The Bible tells us to fulfill one another's desire, but not at expense of honor.

Number 2, they are aides not replacements. If you get to the point where you only want to use the bedroom aides, and not enjoy your spouse, you have crossed a line. At that point, the aide becomes the "other person". Bedroom aides should increase the enjoyment and fulfillment you have as a couple. The Bible says that we are not to commit adultery, therefore if you are having a "relationship" with a vibrator that you are not having with your husband, (or for man the like) you are cheating.

Number 3, well there is no number 3 (Doesn't it feel like a list should have at least 3 things in it?). That's it. Just remember, you don't just bring this out one evening. Open communication with your spouse is key in all parts of your relationship. If one or both of you want to add bedroom aides to the bedroom, you need to have a discussion and set up guidelines that both parties are comfortable with.

I have put together a list of bedroom aide dos and don'ts. At this time, I am not going to post it in the blog, because some of the content while not raunchy it is detailed. If you are interested in this information, please email me at christianmarriagewild@gmail.com OR send us a message on our Facebook page. Oh yea, and like our Facebook page!

Flirting...Not Just for Single People

One of the most common complaints from both women and men, is that their love life gets boring. We miss the rush of the period of infatuation when every word, look, touch meant something and felt new. Those looks of newly weds, that makes everyone think the two of you have a secret you aren't letting the rest of the world in on. And the answer to this one...FLIRTING!

Flirting is not just for single ladies trying to catch the eye of the handsome stranger across the room. It works for your handsome husband across the room too! There is an old saying that "foreplay begins in the kitchen" and that's no lie. A love tap here, a wink there...it all sets the mood.

Your husband is sitting in the living room watching sports, sit-com, news, whatever...whisper something suggestive in his ear! Sitting across the dinner table and kids are going crazy? Send a wink and a smirk his way.

Here is why this works:

You are sending him the message that things are a go. So his mind is now focusing on what is going to happen after the kids are all in bed (or when the dishes are done if you are childless). He is now paying attention to your ever move, and that attention, in turn, makes you feel desired and bumps up your confidence for the upcoming evening of fun. By the time you get to the bedroom, things are already steamy.

Another reason it works, it ends the awkward are we/aren't we conversation. At our house, sometimes we just know, and sometimes we have the "do you want to?"/"I will if you want to" conversation, which quite frankly kills the mood. (BTW we each have a pair of "it's not happening tonight" lounge pants. If one partner wears them, then the other knows with out the awkward conversation as well.) This gives a clear signal of what you are expecting, and can work the other way for him as well.

Some women feel silly flirting, but don't! As much as you love the attention shown to you, he loves it too. It boosts his ego. An increase in confidence in both of you is bound to lead to a more exciting love life, because you become less inhibited.

And to think...it could all be started with a wink.

Getting the Most Out of Intimate Moments

So it is time to breach a sensitive subject...getting the most out of the loving making with your husband.

This means different things to different people. For some, it is as simple (ha!) as achieving orgasm. For some, it has to do with romantic gestures. For some, it is expanding their horizons. But all have the same issue, if you aren't getting what you need or desire, you aren't making the connections with your husband that you want. 

So how do you approach this topic? It is very sensitive in nature, and you, of course, don't want to hurt your spouse. First of all, no matter what the above topics are the issue, never start this conversation on an evening where you know sex is imminent, or directly after. You and your spouse are already vulnerable, and with this subject matter, you will only hurt each other and no one will win. 

So in the above three listed topics, I think the easiest is the romantic gestures part. But here is the hard part, guys are not so smart. In the movies, the guys always think of super romantic things to do all on their own. The key words in that sentence are, "in the movies". This is not real life! Guys need hints. Some guys need you to be more direct than that. Some guys need pictures and written instructions. (Honestly, that could be applied to all three topics!) So you might have to be specific with your husband. If you want candles, soft music, etc tell him! Heck, buy the candles and provide the music. Now he has all the tools, and wait for him to implement them. Most men who love their wives, are eager to please. These are easy "demands", and don't challenge his prowess. 

The next easiest is probably expanding your horizons. Again, most men are eager to please, so this might not be a big deal depending on how much of an expansion this would be for your relationship. So my first tip is, take expansion in steps. You can't change your entire intimate lifestyle overnight! Just as you would want him to be compassionate to your apprehensions be compassionate to his. A possible way to approach this topic? Wait until the night AFTER a love making session, and then start the conversation with, "You know what my favorite part of last night was? It was.. What was your favorite part?." Always, always when making suggestions to your spouse, start with the good stuff. Leading with bad stuff, will make them feel inadequate, insecure, and possibly defensive, which will lead to them tuning you out. As the conversation progresses lead in with "You know what I've always wanted to try..." Who knows? The conversation itself might lead to a follow up of your prior evening!

Now the last one is by far the hardest. It is a sensitive subject, for several reasons. One, if you have been married for sometime and have been "faking it", you husband might feel like you are coming out of left field. Two, he could become defensive because he might feel inadequate. The timing of this conversation is really about knowing your spouse, but again, it's really important to not have it sex adjacent. Also be ready to explain to him what exactly you need. His body is different than yours. If he isn't getting you where you need to go, he probably doesn't know how. So just telling him that it isn't working won't be enough. And if you are honest with yourself, you may not know either! This may take some exploring on both of your parts. It's important to keep an open line of communication during this process. Enjoy the discovery! It might take it to the next level for both of you.

The theme here is communication. The overall theme to a better love life is communication. And also being realistic. Every couple deserves a dynamite intimate relationship, but it takes time, but the journey there is half the fun!

Your Turn!

Tonight I am a little pressed for time, so this entry will be short and sweet, and a homework assignment. 

I want you to think of one marriage question you have..just one. It doesn't have to be sexual, but they are welcome. 

Then I want you to email it me. Feel free to make a fake email to send it from if you are embarrassed, but I want to know what the readers want answered. (And I'm both shocked and happy to see how many of you there are!)

You can email me at christianmarriagewild@gmail.com!