Stress and Marriage

Before all of you say, "my marriage is my stress!" that is not what we are focusing on this evening. We are focusing the affect stress has on marriages.

I am going to use my life as an example of what I am talking about. I have three kids, a full time job, a very small role at my church, and now this fun second job. My husband and I get by but we are in no means wealthy and sometimes money is an issue. Balancing work and family, being successful at work, and properly managing a home so nothing gets forgotten can be both overwhelming and very stressful. Most of the at the end of the day when everything is done (and by the end of the day we are talking 10 or 11 at night), I just want to zone out and watch a little TV until I pass out.

But where does that leave my husband, and by extension, my marriage? I've only been married six years, but one thing I learned early on was the importance of purposefully spending time and energy on my marriage. You can either stay in love on purpose, fall out of love accidentally. Let's be honest, no one goes into a marriage assuming things are going to fail. But there is a reason movies stop at the wedding (or even sometimes at the first kiss!). Because relationships take work! In movies, they show people running around trying to land their "mate" but they never show people trying to keep their mate! Now don't misunderstand me, I am not saying you have to try an earn your partner's love. What I am saying is "date your mate".

So back to stress. If I am stressed out and not getting enough sleep and not taking good care of myself, I am not worried about my husband's needs, I am only thinking of my own!

So I'm going to give you a couple tips. Now I'm sure you've read a lot of things about stress relievers and such. I'm going to try to focus more on managing stress, because, let's be honest, stress is happening.

Now I am a crazy organizer so this first one might not be for everyone, but buy a planner. I know your phone can store all your appointments and even remind you, but you can sit down and look openly at a week or month at a time easily. If you do want to opt for a electronic version I would suggest Microsoft Outlook (I think they do it best) or Google Calenders (this works great if all the members of your family have Google mail because you can integrated everyone's calendar). Plan ahead. I have nights designated for working on and building Christian Marriage Gone Wild, some nights to work on church stuff, some to do family business, and some just for my husband. I know some people say planning is lame, but you don't have to plan what you are going to DO, just be purposeful in setting aside time just for your spouse.

Don't take on more than you can handle. I am the WORST example of this. I say yes about three or four times more than I should, and to prove my point, it has caused problems for us. Be realistic about what you can and can't do. One things I have learned from saying yes, there is no reward for making yourself crazy doing all the things other people want you to do. In addition, no one likes a martyr. If you don't have time to be on the PTO, don't do it! If you don't have time to head up the committee, say no! Most stress we bring on ourselves, trying to do things we don't have time to do.

Everyone needs me time. Basically psychology tells us that if own needs aren't met we are unable to help others meet theirs. So back up to your calendar and schedule yourself some me time. Whether it's bringing your lunch and watching your favorite shows on Netflix in your office for an hour of alone time, or scheduling a girls night with your friends, or simply taking the time to go to bed early to get the much needed sleep, make it happen! Then you will be ready to spend some quality time showing your spouse some love.

Women, it's important to note here that men and women view the sex to stress relationship differently. While we view stress as a deterrent, they view it as a reason! While sex can be a stress reliever for both genders, this is primary for men. Keep that in mind on an evening where you see your husband is particularly stressed., and then maybe next time he will keep in mind how much a good back rub can help you with your stress level.