So this evening, I am having a hard time thinking of a topic. I started to think back to things I have done wrong in my marriage that I have learned from, because the one of the points of this blog is to share my experiences in the hopes they would help someone else.
So today I am going to talk about using sex as a weapon.
Early in my marriage when my husband didn't do exactly what I wanted, I would withhold sex. At first it worked! I was getting my way. But all the while resentment was growing, and eventually came to a head in an ugly week long fight.
We worked it out, but let's talk about the issues here. On the outside this should be a good arrangement right? Everyone gets what they want. Let's talk about why that's not true.
First of all, using sex as a weapon does not reflect the Biblical idea of marriage. As we discussed before regarding Hebrews 13:4, the marriage bed to be honorable. Bartering for sexual encounters is not honorable. Matter of fact....what does it sound like? Also the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that we are to satisfy one another. So withholding sex outside of a health condition is not Biblical either.
Second of all, think of what you are telling your spouse with your actions. "I don't desire you. I only become intimate with you to get what I want." If your husband said that to you, how would you feel? Your self-esteem would be affected. You would be hurt. Even if you are not meaning to hurt your husband on an emotional level, you are. And just like you would, he will start to withdraw. Then the emotional closeness that women need, you will no longer have access to.
Now usually these blogs are directed to women, because I am a woman and I couldn't pretend to fully understand men's mindset. However, this next one is directed at men. If it has been "awhile" (I put that in quotes because I think we all know that means a different time frame to different people.) since you have been with your wife, it is not okay to start being a jerk to her. Because just as I mentioned above that if men do not receive the sexual attention they need they will withdraw, if women do not receive the emotional attention they need they will abstain from sex.
At the end of the day there is this. Men want/need sex. Yes, many women enjoy it, however it doesn't drive us in our daily lives like it does men. That is just how the difference in how we are wired. God is awesome in that way. Men are built to want to have sex and procreate. If women were wired the same, we would REALLY have a population situation, and most likely no one would ever get anything accomplished!
Women need emotional attention. Again, yes, men do too, but it doesn't drive them the way it drives women. If we both attempt to punish one another by withholding, we will kill our relationship. If you are in a stalemate with your spouse (husband isn't giving emotional attention, wife isn't giving sexual attention) I encourage you to be the one that breaks the cycle. Initiate an intimate evening with your husband. Do it simply because you love him, and you want him to know. The side effect is, if you do this on a regular basis, he will come around to giving you what you need too. And the same is true for a husband. Write her a love note. Buy her flowers. Dance with her in the kitchen. You might be pleasantly surprised about what comes your way. But give without expecting, and let yourself be surprised!
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